Repurposing
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3 Peas In A Pod
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I lived my dreams by 50 self prescribed goals taped to my refrigerator before my brain injury. Meeting one after another, crossing them off to add another. One particular favorite was when two friends and I, along with our horses, went to ride Acadia National Park.
Laughing, snoring, eating, talking and sharing. The memory so extraordinary it lives in a special box in my mind.
So what will I write for my new set of 50 goals? No more getting better goals, for that is an ongoing process. I have artist, writing and volunteering goals, but they haven’t measured up to the 3 friends on horseback memory. I think this memory is so special because the 3 of us were friends having fun doing something we all dreamed about.
I can develop goals to make new friends. And we can work and play until eventually we form relationships. I can find new dreams and with friends we’ll be making new memories to fill other boxes in my mind with special moments like 3 peas in a pod.
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Curling Up
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A place of respite. A place to get away. A place to hide.
All three places are important in order to take care of yourself.
Regenerate. Come back to yourself. Get away from it all.
Blue is the color of healing. With many faceted colors represented in the curl, signifying the components of self, Curling Up is our being surrounded by white. The white marble, stones and selenite crystals embrace the curl, increasing the flow of life force, giving healing to the body, mind and spirit.
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Moonbeams Pathway
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Dark and deep, unknown and uncharted, my fears ripple to rise and fall in waves of unpredictability. I cannot fathom the courage needed on my own to navigate, and wonder who to call on in need. Those of continual contact must be tired of my summons for help, so I look to the moon. Larger than I, universal in sight, shining through the darkest of nights, I ask for guidance to find strength to move forward through the treacherous waters. Small glimmers of sparkles light a path, seducing my core to reunite, move forward and walk with the knowledge that the voyage I am on is the journey I am purposed to take.
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Unwinding
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Acceptance, this is what my new counseling is all about. When something seemingly goes wrong or is scary, my counselor asks me to think about the idea that this is the way it is supposed to be…for whatever reason. Accept it and move forward. It is what it is, for reasons we may not see at the moment. Acceptance isn’t a new concept, but it is one that does not come easily when survival was the name of the game. Or when my life seemed to start to settle down and it was going well, something else would come along that would send me reeling backwards. I have noticed, and other people have stated too, that the times of setbacks tend to be cathartic. A time of gestation and waiting, then the moment of work, ideas, life re-entering with a vengeance will return again. How one handles it is almost the set-up for what the next round of backsliding will be like.
I often ask myself, what do I need to learn so backsliding doesn’t happen again? It is a big guessing game. My counselor would say: Relax, enjoy, accept and be gentle on yourself. Stop being so judgmental and hard, let it come and take it as it is. Relax your way through it. If you use the analogy of the struggling times as a birthing process, it truly is a better way to go through contractions. Relax. Breathe. Go with it. Unwind.
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The Mermaid Tray
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My first mosaic art piece, 2006.
I was drawn to the mermaid. I dreamt of orange colored hair, green-blue fins that bound and freed. The nakedness under the cover of deep blue sea, surrounded by life, yet not of my own. Near the bottom, where the abyss lives, I swim away headed for home, to catch a breath or a glimpse, my back turned so you can’t see me. I am alone in the deep, filled with pieces of life that are not my own. The mermaid comes to me, she is a messenger of healing. It is her job to save me.
She lives within me.
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Up From The Abyss
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I have been on a very long journey from the abyss to the shore. I have survived recovery, participated in rehabilitation, witnessed and learned from recalculating and was all along driven to repurpose my life by reinventing myself. I do not consider my journey to be through, for with every ending comes a new beginning, so my reinventing will always continue. And although I will set goals, work on art and writing, find ways to give to others and share my story so others will share theirs, I am sure I will find solace in holding hands with those who journey through their waters to a point where they too will start to reinvent themselves.
So, for now, I have risen to the top, to look around, to see, to have you look and see me. Do not judge me, for I already do that quite well. Give me a hand when you see I am ready to come ashore and fear not when I fall for I do not know how to walk in fins yet.
Blessings on your journey.
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Exhibit 4
Repurposing: a verb, an ongoing action constantly needing attention, otherwise, it may not occur. Or will it? I saw an online survey that was in response to my work that asked people with brain injuries if their life had been repurposed. Those who had responded unanimously agreed that repurposing was an ongoing process.
I had thought that the end result of this reinventing process would be in my reaching a repurposed life. If so, then I could breathe and concentrate on a simpler life, a singular goal. A life easier to live.
I have lived with my new life for four and a half years and quite frankly, I have been looking for purpose ever since I realized I couldn’t go back to my old life of teaching elementary school, riding horses and playing the flute. I spent the first three years going from doctors to therapists to rehab. It was all part of the physical, emotional and brain work I had to do to get to a place where I could even think seriously about how to reinvent myself. And now that I am in a better place to actually reinvent my life, I find that some of it really isn’t in my hands to determine.
I am fortunate having my family. They have helped me in my reinventing and finding purpose. Having a sense of my “self” and what to do with it is equally important. For me this involves living a meaningful life and not just filling up my time.
I thought for my final exhibit, #4, called Repurposing, I was going to put up a wall of mosaic art that would signify that I have arrived in the place of being repurposed as a mosaic artist. This was going to be the new meaning and work in my life. I was surprised when that did not occur in a way that I thought it would. What does seem to be in my repurposed life along with my art and mosaics are the Reinventing Exhibits with art and writing that speak to dramatic life changes. How we all have them, how we survive them and how we can hold hands with others and share our experiences. It is in this way that, with the help of knowing there are others, listening and telling our stories, that the load will be lighter to carry on our journeys. Therefore, I look forward to the next reinventing exhibit and what insight and inspiration it will bring.
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