Reinventing Oneself

Spring

Recovering Butterfly There was a time this butterfly lived in the landscape of a cross between a nuclear war and a brilliant sunrise to be. Finding a singular, growing, thistled, sunlit meal, provided nourishment to sustain. However, at this very beginning stage of recovery from loss, one does not know if life or death is around the corner. Sometimes one does not know anything. But the choice is clear as it stands before you: either find one sunlit blossom to connect the rhythm of your soul to or fly away and possibly perish.

Spring I have had many totems and faith carriers on this journey. The mermaid, wolf, eagle, Goddess, God and horse spirit. But the one who has carried my burden the most is my loving husband and caregiver. He has walked through fear showing only strength. He has provided when systems worked to diminish. He has sacrificed when he could have walked away. And when recovery, denial, anger, depression, recalculating, mourning and repurposing had all been trodden through, he asked for simply one reinvention of me. He told me my only job in life right now is the job of being happy. For in doing so, his job of carrying both of our burdens completely lightens his load. And so, I work on my reinvention of this person who looks and finds happiness in corners of my soul. I had thought before my accidental loss of old self that happiness was a product of being a hard working, respected and knowledgeable person, raising a family, holding a career, competing on horseback, shining with a flute. I thought for six years that in order to find that happiness again I would have to find a way to fill all of those empty holes with totally new ways to achieve and shine in the world.

Exhibit 8

The reinvention of my self wasn’t to find a new job, a new hobby, another way to be respected in this world. It wasn’t to become a mosaic artist wanted by galleries and patrons. My reinvention turned out to be an epiphany, turning on as light in my brain. I discovered as I repeated the words my husband said over and over, “my only job in life right now is to be happy” that it is my “self” that needed the reinvention, not what I did in this life.

How blessed I am to have finally discovered what really needs to be reinvented in me, someone whose job it is to be happy. And as my journey has been put on paper here, it is obvious that happiness doesn’t come easily. So I read about it, I make plans and goals to help it become a part of me, I pray for it, I wait for it, but most of all, I reach down inside and feel it. I realize that this reinvention, for me, is much harder than attempting to find a new career path or latching onto a new feeling of self and worth. This reinvention is much deeper, a course correction in my spiritual path. This journey down the forested path deep within the uncharted woods is a metamorphosis, a change from my inner caterpillar existence to becoming the beautiful butterfly. I am headed to the gold fleck glistening down the road, yet happy to be on this ride.

So, for now, I see my reinvention as a shift in my spirit, from being where I was, to being one filled with joy.

Recovery After a Brain Injury | Brain Injury Rehab | Recalculating Life After Rehab | Repurposing | Plan B | Leap of Faith | Tears in a Bottle | Spring